Want more honest feedback? Start getting really good at receiving it.

Want more honest feedback? Start getting really good at receiving it. Even when the other person does a bad job at giving it to you.

Whenever I lead a management training on feedback, I'll ask “who here wants more feedback?” Everyone raises their hand. I’ll then ask “who here frequently gives feedback?” Very few hands stay up.

Giving constructive feedback feels scary. What if you do it badly? What if you piss someone off and they turn it around on you? What if they start crying in your office?

I’ve had Chief People Officers share with me that their new managers would rather fire people than give them feedback. They would give a decent review and then let that person go 3 months later.

It's also common for leaders to only give feedback during a review cycle. The direct report is walking in expecting a promotion and their manager is walking in with 3-12 months of feedback they need to share. You can see why this doesn’t work well.

Ultimately if someone is willing to give us feedback, big or small, it likely means they are invested in our success and they are willing to get uncomfortable to help make us better. So, if someone gives you feedback and you don’t like the way they do it (they generalize, they get heated, they piss you off, they hurt your feelings etc) you can still get something out of it.

Here are some tips:
1) Get curious - even if you completely disagree with what they are saying, look for the 2% truth in it.

2) Ask for data - if they are speaking in generalizations, see if they can give you some concrete examples to help you understand. Don’t do this like a lawyer (sorry lawyers) as this may shut them down or turn the conversation into an argument.

3) Assume positive intent - assume that they are on your side and want you to succeed and have your best interests at heart.

4) Take a breath or a break - Sometimes we get triggered and we can’t actually process anything the other person saying in that moment. It’s ok to ask for a little time to digest the feedback and come back to the conversation.

What are your best tips for receiving feedback, even when it's done badly?